Saturday, February 21, 2009

Give Me A Break

I am on a roll. I wrote to The Food Network asking them why they do not have a show that cooks vegetarian dishes. I mean come on, there are those of us out here who do not consume meat. But that is a different post.

But this thing in the news about Michael Phelps has me a bit perturbed. Kellogg's is dropping him because there was a photo of him smoking pot in a bong. Give -me - a - freaking - break. You meant o tell me that there is no one sitting on the Board of Directors at Kellogg's that has not taken some sort of illegal drug. Give me a break.

You mean to tell me none of the big wigs ever snorted a line of coke? Or I will even give them the benefit of the doubt and say that you mean to tell me that no one up in the Kellogg's high and mighty walls has never gotten drunk and done something stupid? Puh-leeeaze.

And now they are dropping Michael Phelps. After all he did for his country during the Summer Olympics of 2008? Give me a break. Trust me when I say that I will be writing Kellogg's and letting them know I will no longer be buying their products (which I don't for the most part anyhow), but I will dig a bit deeper and see how many companies are connected to them or owned by them. And I will make sure those products do nto get into my shopping cart.

I know that my little bit of business will not bring down this monopolizing company, but I want them to know just how I feel. And who knows. Maybe someone who reads this will get sparked to write them, the same as I, or maybe write to some place that has ticked them off and let them know just how they feel about something. The power of the pen.

I never knew how liberating it was to write a company and let them know how you feel about something they are doing or something you would like them to do...who knew. So a letter will soon be forth-coming and on its way to Kellogg. You can bet your bottom dollar I will let you all know what their response is.

One of my dear friends found this for me. It was on Saturday Night Live. It says it how it really is in regards to Michael Phelps. There is a swear word at the end of the little video. So if you are offended by swear words then I suggest you skip the video, but in my humble opinion, it is worth it for the one word.

Saturday Night Live Video

Friday, February 13, 2009

It "Is" All About You

OK, so what's wrong with being selfish? Nothing, if it is done in the correct manner. I have always said, "I need to take care of me before I can be a good wife, mother, friend...." And in there is where the truth lies.

There is a huge difference between self indulgence and self kindness. One helps you...the other does not. Let me give you some examples and their differences:

Self Indulgence-
1) Continuing to do what is harmful to you and after you realize it is harmful
2) Loathing yourself
3) Getting lost in fantasies about how great your life is going to be, while you continue the same old self-destructive things
4) Not asking for help when you need it
5) Breaking the commitments you've made to yourself

Self Kindness-
1) Calling a halt to doing what's harmful to you
2) Defending yourself against anyone who attacks you- including yourself
3) Telling the truth
4) Asking for help
5) Believing that there's a good reason for what you're doing, even if you aren't aware of it at the moment

There you have it. In essence, all you have to do is be kind/good to yourself, the rest will fall into place...eventually. Nothing happens overnight. You didn't get there in one day and you won't dig out of it in one day either. So start with little steps. Find one aspect that fits your life and alter it. You have the power and the power to do what? Oh yeah, make choices. It takes effort to do the right thing. Whether it be eating properly, being nicer in traffic, saying a kind word to the wretch at work, more exercising. The possibilities are endless.

You can do whatever you want, it is your life. Make the best of it, you only have one. (Unless you are Shirley and then there will be many more)

You Are What You Write

Why do you read certain blogs, or even drop by on occasion? Is it the author/ess, the layout, content, grammar, photos? There are many reasons why I read ones blog...or not.

If someone new comments on my blog, I take a gander at their place. Sometimes it grabs me, sometimes not. I will keep up on them for a while, but if I am not drawn in, then I don't keep coming back.

How they put their words together is a big one for me. Now don't think I am a writing snob, for surely I would most more than likely not make it through English I if I had to take it all over again. But to me grammar and how you piece your post together means something to me.

I am not fond of mini-novels or the one liners. Either one of those will turn me off immediately. And if you can't hit a shift bar, trust me when I say that I will never come back to your blog. That is like nails on a chalkboard. And for others it may be ending a sentence with a preposition (which I have been known to do now and then), some prefer no profanity (I am trying really hard to curb my usage, but do not think I was a sailor...I was not).

I take a while to get hooked on a blog. And now that I have been doing this nearly a year, my tastes have changed. A dear friend of mine does not see the point of blogging. To her it is like a public diary/journal. And she is right. So for those who post personal issues, you may have to get creative in how you present your information. You don't want to step on families or friends toes.

But what I seem to now want to stay away from is depressing blogs. Don't get me wrong. I know many folks are in dire straights, our family is one of them. But I don't sign on and blog about it in every post. Do I mention our problems? Certainly, but I hope that I do not dwell on our families struggles. I know people are hurting and in deep trouble. And we should be able to come to our blogs and vent. But when thee underlying theme is the same thing every single time, then to me, at least, your blog loses some credence.

There is always some worse off than you. You may not think so, but unless you are living under and bridge and you have the ability to post (meaning you have access to a computer, even if it is via a friends home or the library) you are better off than some. I know this to be true so I try rarely to whine about our current predicament(s). This too shall pass.

I want to hear good things. Do not misunderstand me. I know we are not living in a fantasy world, OK, maybe some of you are, but for the most part, we are a realistic folk. But why burden your reading public with your woes. Those of us reading get tired of saying, "I'm feel so bad for you, don't worry things will get better." What if they don't? what if said blogger loses her home, job, vehicle. It's happening all over the place.

So before you put your tiny little digits on that keyboard, think about what your adoring public will say at the end of your post.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Bottoms Up

For those who have never experienced the pleasures of an endoscopy or colonoscopy, let me bring you up to speed. They are not fun. And it is not technically the procedure that is uncomfortable, for you are out for thee entire procedure itself. No, it is the preparation that is worthy of informing the public about.

I truly believe that many of the stomach, colon, bowel, intestinal ailments that get us to this state could be altered by diet alone, but that is for another blog(s).

My husband was given this by one of his friends who has also undergone the procedure. So sit back, relax and enjoy the ride. Thank you Dave Berry.

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, and one point briefly through Minneapolis. Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, "HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep.' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; but for now, suffice it to say, that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my Preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter as about 32 gallons.)

Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes-and here I am being kind-like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleaner, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose watery bowl may result.' This kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even mare naked then when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,00-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. And had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?
said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous. A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies.

1. Take it easy doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!
2. Find Amelia Earhart yet?
3. Can you hear me now?
4. Are we there yet, Are we there yet. are we there yet?
5. You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married.
6. Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?
7. You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...
8. Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels?
9. If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit.
10. Hey doc, let me know if you find my dignity.
11.You used to be an executive of Enron, didn't you?
12. God, now I know why I am not gay.
And the best one for last:
13. Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?